All I Ever Wanted
by stephybearx
Summary: With Alex Cabot's return, how will Olivia's life change? Will she allow the ADA to once again be a part of her life, or will she push her away? AO
1. Chapter 1

This is a new idea I thought of from this past week's episode. I'm not sure at the moment if it's going to be a one-shot, or I may make it a couple of chapters long. Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Spoiler: Lead 10x15. Happens right after the episode.

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"All right gang, pack up and go home for the night. If anything happens between now and tomorrow morning, keep your phones on, and be ready. Hopefully I won't see any of you until the morning." Cragen went into his office, and let us finish everything we were doing. "Oh, and one more thing. Benson and Stabler, you guys have this weekend off. Munch and Fin are taking the rounds... Enjoy your weekend." A wave of relief hit me after Cap told us that.

"Hey Liv, Kathy wanted to know if you wanted to come over to the house for a late night dinner and drinks. You up for it?" He smiled at me.

"Normally I would jump at the offer because of Kathy's amazing culinary skills, but I'm not really up for it tonight. Maybe sometime this weekend? Sorry El.." I gave him an apologetic smile and finished putting all the papers in my desk. "Tell Kathy I said thanks for the invite though." I grabbed my coat from my chair and began walking out of the precinct for a night of relaxation.

"Do me one favor Liv, please, please don't be too hard on yourself. It's been a rough week and I can see it in your eyes that you're trying to be strong. Let it go Liv. She's back. I know we're not sure for how long, but she's back for now. Go and talk to her if you can..." A sad smile crossed my face as he started talking about _her_. And my mind began to wonder...

See here's the thing, Elliot knows about how I struggled with Alex's death and everything that happened. He knows I was completely heart broken because I lost a close friend. He saw how torn up up I was when we found out Alex wasn't dead, she was in fact very alive, and going into the Witness Protection Program. My heart broke all over again. I struggled with the new ADA after that. Don't get me wrong, I loved Casey, but she just wasn't Alex. Alex had this charisma and stubbornness that everyone got used to. Sure, people thought she was stuck-up, but I figured her out. She had a tough exterior, but an extremely soft interior.

And then the Liam Connors trial came along and Alex came back to testify. I couldn't believe it. The strength and courage she showed to help out herself, and the little boy Antonio amazed me. The night before the trial where I stayed overnight with Alex, made me realize a couple of things. Alex would never be the same woman that I became close to. She has went through hell and back, and she's still keeping her head up. When she was telling me her life back in Wisconsin, my heart broke for her. She wasn't able to be herself, and that made me realize how much that must suck for her. Then I thought that must really suck for everyone around her. They missed the chance to know such a beautiful, strong, charismatic woman. Why? All because of that damn shooting. If only I could have saved her. If only I could have been fast enough to jump in front of the bullet or push her out of the way. Life would be so much different. And now here she is, thrown back into my life, and I'm not sure if I should be happy, or angry. Velez was killed 3 years ago, and I'm just NOW seeing her. I am so frustrated and angry at her for not reaching out to us. I'm pissed beyond belief that I actually believed that after she got out of WPP, she would reach out to me and let me help her get her life back. But she didn't. Yet I'm still happy I get to see her now... I'm curious as to how she'll react to what I have to say to her, and how I have dealt with everything. I'm not being selfish, am I? I lost my best friend that night, but at the same time, she lost her entire life, her reputation, and who she was. Here I am, mad at her for not contacting me these past 3 years. I'm allowed to be angry at her for that. I'm not angry that she went away. I know that was something that couldn't be avoided. I just wonder what would life be like, if she contacted me or Elliot when she got out of WPP...

"Uh.. Thanks El. I'll see if I'm up for it later tonight. I promise to talk to her sometime this weekend. Have a good night!"

I walked out of the precinct and flagged a cab over. I told him the address to my apartment. Granted my apartment isn't too far from the 1-6, but I just wanted to get home and relax. This cab driver, oh man, he was telling me some crazy story about his ex girlfriend and how she sent him over a bouquet of black roses and a note that said 'this is what you did to my heart', and I felt bad because I wanted to laugh so bad.

"That's gonna be $10.26 lady," I didn't even realize that we were here already. I handed him a $20 and told him to keep the change to mend his heart, and we both just laughed. I walked up to the building and said high to all my neighbors along the way. As I got into my apartment I began feeling weak, like everything that happened this past week is finally beginning to hit me.

I fall back onto my couch, without even taking my shoes or coat off. I pick my cell up and call my favorite pizzeria and order some wings and a pizza. After the call, I laid my head back and closed my eyes. I'm not sure how long I was out for, or if I even fell asleep, but a loud knock on the door woke me up. I shot up with the money in hand and opened the door.

"So how much is it gonna be?" I looked up and realized it wasn't the delivery guy. It was none other then the illustrious Alex Cabot. She held this smirk that made me excited, but insanely furious.

"I hope I'm not intruding Detective. Were you expecting someone?" She looked at me and I just wanted to slap that smirk off of her face. But instead. I began to tear up. I wasn't sad. Trust me, sadness was the last thing on my mind. I was so angry. Part of me wants to be angry because I had my hopes up for those delicious wings to get here,but the other part of me, just wanted to latch on to her and never let her go.

"I was waiting for the delivery guy, but for now, I guess you'll do..." I said in a sarcastic tone and turned around back onto my couch. "Come in counselor, we have lots and lots to talk about... Don't forget to close the door behind you. I may say some things that will hurt your ego, and I'm sure you don't want others to hear..." I was pissed. I just stared at her. That's all I could do as I collected my thoughts and emotions.

She walked in and sat down on the couch. Neither of us said a word for a good 15 minutes. But I'll be honest, I could feel her eyes burning a hole in my head, because she was staring at me. Suddenly a thought popped into my head.

I stood up rather quickly. "Where the hell is my food?!"


	2. Cry

Same disclaimer as before.

Quick chapter update, I know.

I'm going to really keep up with this story.

Please review

(Thanks to those who reviewed already)

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After I realized my food didn't get there, it immediately came. I paid the guy and brought the food to my kitchen table and began eating. Of course, Alex was staring down the entire time. It didn't bother me until I turned around and she still had that damn smirk on her face.

I sighed, "Would you like some?" I was being generous, I know.

"No thanks Liv. Eat up, I'm sure it's gonna be a long night considering those were the first words you spoke to me since I came inside. I wouldn't count you freaking out over your food not being here, so I'll let it slide..." I couldn't help but let out a small laugh at my stupidity.

After about 10 minutes, I got up and sat next to her on the couch. She went to grab my hand but I immediately held it to myself. "Liv..."

"No Alex. No. It's my turn to talk. I don't want any sob stories of how you couldn't even contact us at all. No phone calls, no emails, NOTHING. How do you expect me to feel? I'm down right pissed off Alex..."

"I know that Liv that's why..."

"No! I want to let out everything I have to say before I lose the balls I grew to talk to you about all of this. Alex, can you honestly say that you've never driven by the precinct and thought about coming in and saying 'hello' to all of us? Can you honestly say that every time you picked up the phone to call me, you lost the courage to actually dial the number you knew by heart? Can you honestly say that every time you turned the TV on and Elliot and I were on the news for closing a case, you never thought about emailing us to congratulate us? For Christs Sake Alex, it's been 3 years since you've been back and you never came around to tell us that you were okay and breathing? How could you do this to us...? How could you do this... to me..?" I sobbed a little bit. My emotions were really getting the bets of me, and I couldn't help but get upset.

"We were so close Alex... How could you possibly do this to me? I tried to save you.. I held my hand on your shoulder as blood was pouring out, and I couldn't do a damn thing. I've blamed myself for so long for you so-called 'death'. I've wanted nothing more than to just find you and protect you myself. I kept thinking that maybe if I was a little bit faster I could've pushed you out of the way. I keep thinking that if you didn't come out with us that night, where would we be now? My heart was shattered into a million pieces when Elliot and I found out you were still alive. Every single damn day I thought about you and if you were safe. I feared that you wouldn't be able to adjust to your 'new life' and that things would go downhill for you. But then you came back for Liam Connors trial, and that gave me hope. In my head I was thinking, 'God she is more beautiful then ever. She has gone through so much and she still seems like the strong Alex Cabot that I once knew...' and then you did't even have the nerve to say goodbye after the trial?! That felt like a huge slap in the face Alex..."

I completely broke down at that point. Tears were cascading down my face freely and I couldn't stop them. Alex laid her hand on my shoulder and I accepted it. I knew I shouldn't, but just that small gesture made me want to latch on to her and never let go. So I did the one thing I didn't think I'd do... I grabbed onto her, and hugged her. Sure, it was just me crying into her chest, but it's what I needed. I needed to literally _feel_ that she was there with me. I felt her rubbing circles onto my back trying to calm me down.

"Is it over yet Alex? Is this what it feels like to really cry? I've held on to your memory for so long because I thought that after Velez was killed, you'd come back in an instant.. But.. You didn't... You waited 3 years to come back. Why Alex, why? Did you expect everything to be okay when you suddenly just showed up at the precinct? Back into everyone's life? As happy as I was to see you that day, I wanted to downright tackle you and just beat you to a pulp."

We both laughed at that comment. I started pounding my fists against her chest, "Did you ever think that I needed you back in my life? I know I'm being selfish for getting so emotional about you being back, but I can't help it. You were my life-line at one point, and then you just left. It made me think that no matter who was in my life, they'd let me down. I couldn't take that from you. And then it happened and I just lost myself... I lost myself because I lost you..." I stopped talking because I was sobbing so hard that it was hard to breathe. She brought my head up to look into my eyes.

"Can I talk now Liv?" She smiled at me and I couldn't help but let out a laugh. I nodded and hugged her even closer to me. She rest her chin on top of my head.

"Oh Liv, I am so sorry... I never kne- thought that you would be this hard on yourself. Here I was scared to death to face you after the shooting because I thought you'd hate me... But the entire time you were the only one who ever really cared about me... When I was initially told about my mother's death, my heart broke. It broke because she died thinking that I was also no longer alive, but I really was. I guess I know how you feel now... Liv, I honestly never meant so much harm to you... Never in my mind did I want to intentionally hurt you... These past 3 years, I was so scared to confront you. The first week back I wanted to so bad, but I couldn't. Hammond was still being an ass about who I contact and everything. But, that's no excuse. You and I have always shared something more then anyone. After the first month past, I couldn't help but think that it's pointless to contact you because I thought you'd hate me. It killed me knowing that the woman I fell for hated me, so I pushed it away, and continued living the life I started..." I looked up at her.

"Wait... the woman you... fell for?" I was so hesitant because I was hoping I heard her correctly and I wasn't jumping the gun. She laughed.

"Yes Olivia... The woman I fell for. You were.. you are the most perfect woman I have ever met. There I was thinking I was helping you out, when in all actuality, I was killing you even more. I figured once you found out about me being released from WPP and not coming back right away, you'd give up. Oh how I was clearly wrong... Through out these past 2 years, I've practiced my speech to you over a thousand times, but every time I imagined it happened, you ran. You didn't even give me the time of day... So when I came back and met up with you and Elliot on the street, that gave me hope because you didn't run away. Sure, we had no tie to talk during the trial and everything, but you never once ran away. You stonewalled me a couple of times and ignored me countless times, but I couldn't blame you. I'm just so thankful you even smiled at me when you first saw me back. Hearing my name come from you mouth was a gift from Heaven because I dreamed of it so many times..."

She pulled up my face once more, and wiped the tears off of my face, "Liv, you were the reason I got through every night when I was gone. You were the reason I kept going each and everyday. These past 3 years, oh God , I thought about contacting you every single day. I have numerous emails on my laptop that I started typing to you. I even walked by the precinct almost 1 a week and imagined myself walking in. I just couldn't Liv. I couldn't face the possible ejection that you would've given me. I knew everyone else would have opened their arms immediately to me, but I knew you'd be different. I'm surprised you even let me in tonight to plead my case..." She now had tears streaming down her face.

She coughed and cleared her throat so she wouldn't break down completely, "I am so happy that you let me in tonight... I couldn't bear another day without you knowing the truth..." I sat up straight.

"Wait.. the truth? The truth that you crushed my heart? That you tore it out of my chest and threw it out the window 40 stories high? Or the fact that you stole my heart in the first place..?" I was raising my voice, getting angry again.

She grabbed my hand and sighed, looking down. "The truth... I want to put the pieces of your heart back together... I screwed up Liv, God knows I screwed up really bad.. I just want to be the one who makes you smile again.. To be able to make you ha-"

I cut her off. "What right do you have to say that I deserve to be happy and that you want to be the one who makes me happy and the one that fixes me?"

She stood up, gathering her coat, "Why Liv? Because I love you..." And she walked out.

After telling someone you love them, how could you just walk out? Here I was, expecting something completely different, and she tells me all nonchalant that she loves me... Oh God, what have I done... I need to go find her and tell her how I feel... It may not be what she wants to hear, but she needs to know.

But a part of me just can't get up to move.

Am I in shock? Partially.

Am I scared? Incredibly.

Am I happy? Extremely.

For the first time in years, I'm happy.

I put the leftovers in the fridge, and I run out the door, not caring to lock it behind me..

"I'm coming Alex... please wait for me..."


	3. Are You Happy Now?

sorry that it took me so long to get this up, i got a new job and life is just crazy!

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1 week later-

"I went after her El... and I found her nowhere. It's almost like she wanted to lead me nowhere.. ya know? I've called her and everything. It's almost as if she went back to how things were before she came walking up to us that one day..." I put my face in my hands.

"It's just so damn frustrating. I know you and Kathy have your fair share of problems, but did she ever make you chase after her?"

"Liv, Kathy and I... well, we're kind of not normal." He laughs, "What I mean is that Kath and I have been through hell and back. She made me chase after he when I first met her, but not to the extent that Alex is doing to you. Alex is just.. Alex. That's all. I can't even find the word to describe her... Have you tried contacting any of her friends? What about Carmichael? Weren't they best friends at one point? Oh.. call Southerlyn. Those two were like sisters..."

I smiled. I was hoping I still had her number so I pulled out my phone and looked through it. "Thanks El, I owe you one, I'll be right back..." I got up and walked into one of the interrogation rooms.

"Here goes nothing..." I whispered to myself. I pressed call and waited.

"Hello?" The voice at the other end rang out.

"Serena? Hey, it's Olivia..."

"Oh my God Olivia, I haven't heard from you in so long... How are you?"

"Things could be better, but they could be worse... Listen, have you talked to Alex lately?"

"Liv, you know Alex and I talked almost everyday... And I know what's been going on with her, if that's why you're calling..." She sighed.

"Care to fill me in? I've been trying to contact her for the past week ever since she ran out of my apartment, dropping such a big bomb on me..." She coughed.

"Wait a minute Liv, what bomb?"

"She told me she loved me Serena... She told me she loved me and then just walked out, and I went after her after my initial shock wore off, and she's nowhere..."

"Oh Liv, I'm actually in the area, how about we meet up at this one restaurant. It's called The Establishment. It's a restaurant/museum type of place... is that okay Liv? In about an hour?"

I paused. "Liv?"

"Oh, yeah, sure... That sounds good. I'll have Elliot cover for me..."

"Allright Olivia, I'll see you then?"

"Yeah, I'll be there... bye."

I hung up my cell phone and dropped it on the table. I sunk down in the one chair and put my head back and just closed my eyes. What am I going to do...

"Olivia, go. Elliot can take your share for the night. I know Munch has been rather bored recently so I'll have him work too..." I shot up.

"Cap? I can't leave for the rest of the night.. that wouldn't be fair to Elliot..."

"Liv, it's an order. I don't want to see you back until Friday, is that clear?"

I looked up at him and shook my head in defeat.

"But Cap, thats in 2 days... ugh, okay. I'll go. I need the rest anyway. Thanks Cap..."

I began walking out into the squadroom, "Oh and Liv, give her time, I'm sure there's something she hasn't told you..." He closed his office door.

I walked over to my desk and pulled the coat off of my chair and put it on. "Cap is making me take some time El, so I'll be back on Friday morning. I'll call you and let you know what's going on. I'm meeting Serena in about an hour to talk to her... I'll see ya later El." I waved to Munch and Fin, and walked out of the precinct.

45 minutes later-

I walked to the front doors of the restaurant and saw Serena waving to me. I walked over and gave her a hug.

"How you doin' Liv?" I shrugged.

"Annoyed, anxious, bothered, tired, and curious. Thanks for asking... How are you?" We both laughed at my answer. "I'm alright. A bit chilly so we should make our way inside. We're not going into the actual restaurant, but we're going upstairs into the museum part. It overlooks the restaurant, so it's actually pretty cool." I smiled.

As we walked upstairs into the museum, I realized what she meant by overlooking the restaurant. It was a pretty cool sight to be honest. Walking along these huge glass windows, observing people in the intimate moments, made me think of something..

"Serena, why exactly did you want to meet me here?" We stopped walking.

"Liv, trust me, this isn't easy for me. Alex is my best friend, and I know she's going to hate me when she finds out that I let the cat outta the bag. Alex, well, she is a very articulate, stubborn, and complex woman, which I'm sure you already know. But what you don't know, is that she's been keeping a secret. A secret that could potentially ruin your friendship/relationship with her. She ran from you Olivia, because she is still technically living a double life..." I looked at her.

"What do you mean?" She put her hand on my arm, "Look down Liv..." I hesitated.

I looked down. And in that moment my heart completely shattered.

There she was. Wearing an elegant navy blue gown, with her blonde hair down, and her glasses on.

With a man holding onto her hand. And on that very hand was a large diamond ring that I failed to notice in the previous week. I closed my eyes for a moment, only to open them back up to see him kiss her. To see her willingly kiss him back.

I turned around briefly. "What is going on Serena?" I didn't know if I was angry, or just extremely upset. Either way, I wanted to cry.

"Olivia, that right there, is Jason Farris.. aka... Alex's husband of 4 years..." I looked at her, and she was being dead serious.

"Wait, what? No that can't be... the other night she told me she loved me... she can't be married.. she can't be with someone else... Oh god, I believed her when she said she loved me... this whole week I've been so torn up.... and now I find this out... oh my god..." Serena grabbed my shoulders and steadied me as sobs racked my body.

"Liv, I'm sorry you had to find out this way.. I'm so sorry. I told her to be honest with you.. but she just made thigns so much more difficult for running away from you... I'm so sorry Liv..." I looked up at her and wiped my face.

"Stay right here, I'll be right back.. Please... just wait a couple of minutes for me..." She was very hesitant to let me go, but I pleaded with her.

I walked back down the steps and went towards the restaurant. I walked up to the hostess. "Good evening miss, do you have reservations, or are you waiting for someone to arrive?" She looked at me and smiled.

"Actually, neither. I need a favor from you. Can you get me a napkin and a pen for me?" She looked at me with questioning eyes, but got the items regardless. I wrote something down on the napkin and folded it in half.

"Can you do me one more favor? See that woman in the navy blue dress with that man?" She girl nodded, "Can you give this note to the woman in a couple of minutes. It would mean a great deal to me..." She smiled at me, and nodded. "Sure, of course."

"Thank you so much..."

I walked back upstairs next to Serena and just waited. "Just watch Serena, shit is about to hit the damn fan..." She looked at me, and turned to look down, watching the hostess hand something to Alex. She opened the napkin and immediately tensed up. Even from up here, we could see her bottom lip quivering. She then closed her eyes and looked up, right into my bloodshot eyes. Serena sighed, and backed up. Alex was still staring at me, and I just bit my bottom lip and turned away.

"Liv, what did that napkin say?" She pulled me over to a corner.

"It said '_Rien ne pèse tant que un secret'_ which means..." Serena cut me off.

"Nothing weighs more than a secret... Oh Liv..." She hugged me.

I accepted the hug anyway since I needed the support. I then pulled away.

"Well, I'm gonna go home and shower, and then maybe sleep, I'll call you to let you know If I jumped off a cliff or anything..." I smiled.

"Liv... please call me if you need anything, and I'm serious. Please..." I nodded. I walked downstairs and turned around "Oh and Serena, thank you. Honestly, thank you for having the decency to tell me the truth and to be honest. I at least deserved to know the truth.... SO thanks..." She nodded.

I walke dout of the restaurant towards the street to hail a cab.

"Liv, wait!!!" I turned around to none other then Alex.

"Please, Liv..." I turned away, and she went to grab my shoulder but I jerked it back.

"Go the hell Alex..." I hailed a cab and got in without turning back.

When the cab reached my apartment, I haded him his money and got out. At that moment I realized that tell Alex to go to hell, was very liberating for myself. But in my mind, she wouldn't even be welcomed there because of what she did to me.

I walked into my apartment, and my answering machine was going off. "Liv, please... I hope when you hear this you can call me. I want to explain everything to you.. Pleas Liv.. I wish things didn't happen this way.. You know I care ab--" I unplugged the damn thing and threw it to the side. I walked over to my couch and placed my coat down and took off my shoes. I went straight to my bedroom and threw my phone on the nightstand. I took off my jeans and got into a pair of basketball shorts and then put a loose t shirt on. If I'm gonna have a miserable night, I might as well be comfy. Right? I went to lay down on my bed, but my phone went off. Without thinking I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey partner, how'd everything go?" I let out a sigh of relief.

"God El, she's married. She's been married for the past 4 years and she didn't even let me know. She wasn;t even honest with me. How do I know that she meant what she said to me.. for god's sake, she's been married. She's been sharing a bed with a man for the past 4 years.. and she has the nerve to tell me that she loves me??" I was rambling by then.

"Oh Liv, that bit-"

"Please El..."

"Alright I'm sorry Liv, I'll give you a call in the morning when you're feeling better okay? But please, call me if you need ANYTHING. I'm sure Kathy won't mind..."

"Thanks El, I'll call you if I need anything or if anything comes up...bye..."

I threw my phone back on the nightstand. I curled up into a ball on my bed, under the covers and just started to cry. I don't think I've cried as much in my life, as I have today. I can;t believe everything... I just can't...

I started drifting off, and I remember hearing my phone vibrate. I looked over at it and saw it was a private call, so I figured that if it was important enough to be a private call, then they can leave a message, so I pressed ignore. I put the phone down and went under the covers again.

"Goodnight world... hopefully my dreams are better then reality..."


	4. Don't Let Me Stop You

This is a bit of a different chapter for me.

I'm alternating between Alex's POV and Olivia's. Each point of view, are going on around the same time... you'll understand as you read it.

(ps, no worries. I'm not gonna let one person who doesn't agree with what i write ruin it for the people who enjoy it)

So honestly, I want to thank everyone for their reviews. You guys are what keep me writing. When I get that email saying I got a review, my face brightens up immediately, so thank you!

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Alex's POV

Oh God, what have I done? I can't believe Serena would do that to me. She knew that I was going to tell Olivia... she knew that. Why did she do this to me..

The truth? Yes, I've been married for the past 4 years, and yes, it's been good. But at the same time, the empty touches and the meaningless words... they take a toll on me. When I went to Olivia's apartment that night, that's honestly the first time in 4 years, that I felt truly loved and cared for.

So what am I honestly going to do to fix this mess? Olivia is the only one I want, and right now, she's out of my reach. I do realize though, that I need to go down to the precinct to at least see her, only after I talk to my darling best friend. I picked up the phone and gave Serena a call.

"Hello?" Her groggy voice rang out.

"Meet me at the corner deli in 15 minutes by my apartment." I had to be stern.

"Look Alex, it's like 8 in the morning, I had a late night, can't this wait for a better time?" I laughed.

"No, it really can't Serena, we have some issues we need to discuss. Meet me there in 15 minutes, if you're not there, I'll see you at your place. Goodbye." I abruptly hung up and grabbed my light coat since I knew it was gorgeous outside. I put a pair of comfortable flats on and made my way out of my apartment.

"Hello Ms Cabot, going to work early today?" Gary, the security guard greeted me. I smiled up at him.

"Not today Gary, I have some business that I have to take care of with my best friend. I'll most likely be back within the hour. Have a nice morning!" I went past him and started my walk to the corner deli.

I picked one of the tables outside so that I wouldn't cause a scene inside if things got a little out of hand with us. As I was sitting down, the waitress came up to me and asked me what I would like to drink. "Can I get a sweet tea? With extra lemon?" She smiled at me and walked away.

At this point, I saw Serena walking down the street. She rounded the outside fence and walked over to the table.

"Well don't you look a hot mess this morning Miss Southerlyn..." I laughed. She didn't...

"Don's start your shit today with me Alex. I know what I'm here about. So let me get straight to the point." The waitress came back with my sweet tea and asked Serena if she wanted anything. "No thanks, I won't be here long." They both smiled. "She was cute... but hey, anyway. Alex, Olivia deserved to know. I can't believe you were foolish enough to tell her that you loved her! For God's sake Alex, you're _married_. You've been married since the last year you were Witness Protection. When you came back for Connors trial, she told me about your talk that night and how you told her you had met an insurance adjuster.. Now tell me Alex, how would that make Olivia feel when you tell her that that same guy, is the one she saw you kissing last night? Huh? How would that make you feel." She banged her first on the table.

"Serena, honestly, you had no right at all telling her, let alone showing her about my private life. I needed to figure out what exactly I was going to do, and say to Olivia. I love her, I truly do. And I understand completely that telling her who exactly he is, is going to crush her. I know that for a fact. Remember Serena, I fell in love with that woman so I know how she is going to react. I know how she'd retreat into herself and not let me in. I know that she wouldn't forgive me, no matter what I did. But, nobody knows the truth about us. Not Olivia and me, but Jason and me.."

"The truth Alex? I can see the truth... You're in a loveless relationship, and at the same time, starting the most amazing relationship of your life. Living your perfect double life... Just as it was before you got shot. God Alex, you're unbelievable. How could you possibly have the nerve to tell Liv that you loved her... You can't even be honest with yourself, let alone her... It's not fair Alex.."

I was beyond pissed off. "You know what's not fair Serena?" I began almost yelling, "Being forced to get married and begin telling myself to create feelings for a man who I couldn't give two shits for. I faked every worked I said to him. Anytime I said 'I love you' to him, I envisioned Liv in my head. Every time we had sex, I came close to yelling her name. Every single time. When we got married, I was FORCED to write my vows for a man I didn't love. And guess what, I almost slipped her name into the vows. Every single night, before I went to bed, I told Olivia that I loved her. Every single god damn night I held onto her. And then I... I can't do this..." I grabbed my bag and stood up. I tried walking away, but Serena grabbed my arm.

"Alex, don't go. I'm sorry I never gave you the chance to explain yourself.. I'm so sorry Lex..."

I stood there for a minute thinking about what I should do. I was so damn angry, but knowing that I could finally be honest with someone, let alone my best friend, I knew I had to let it out.

"You know.... You should really order something to drink now... we may be here for a little bit..." I smiled and she laughed.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Olivia's POV

Why can't I just get a damn break.

My morning has already been shot to hell, and it's only 12pm. I woke up with a killer migraine, a shattered heart, and a broken ego. How could I be so damn stupid.

I sat down on the park bench to give myself a small break from my run. I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to get rid of this headache. I then put my face in my hands and just let out a long sigh. It felt good to be honest with you. Here I am, a woman who is over 35, having to deal with, what feels like, high school drama.

I don;t know how long I've been sitting there, but I feel like someone is standing in front of me, so I look up. And I'm greeted with a very comforting face.

"Casey?" I smiled.

"Hey stranger, mind if I take a seat?" She laughed and I nodded.

"How have you been Case? I've missed talking to you and seeing you. How's life?"

"After being disbarred and whatnot, I had to figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I'm still helping people. It's something you've got to keep doing once you work in SVU, ya know? I have my own private practice, but trust me, I am VERY selective with what I take. Other then that, I still live in Manhattan. I couldn't leave this place. Even though it held so many bad memories, I still had good memories, and amazing friends here." She looked at me.

"Is everything okay Liv? Shouldn't you be at work?" I laughed.

"Oh Case, so much shit has happened. Alex is back..." I looked down and she put her hand on my shoulder. "She came to my apartment one night confessing her love for me, and why she waited 3 years to contact me, let alone anyone in her past, and then she ran. Looked and waited for her for a week, and then I called Serena. Serena told me the truth of house Alex has been married for the past 4 years, and I'm just crushed. You saw, well, felt, how I was when Alex first left. I put you through hell because my heart was broken. And here she is again breaking that same heart that I worked on for so long to put back together. What did I do wrong Casey?" A tear rolled down my cheek, but I would not let myself cry anymore.

"Oh Liv, I heard that Alex was back, and I thought of calling you, but I figured it wasn't my place. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you since I got kicked out. I'm so sorry... I wish Alex would come to her sense soon for you. I mean, neither of you are getting any younger, and you of all people, deserve to be happy."

I smiled and we both got up from the bench, "Well, I hope she comes to her senses too Case... but if that ever happens, I might already be gone, ya know? But listen, don't be a stranger. Maybe sometime this week we can get together and talk more. I have to get to the precinct so I can catch Cragen before he leaves for some business trip. It was good seeing you Case." I smiled and hugged her.

"I'm here for you Liv. I know I wasn't the greatest of friends to you, but I would like to be that friend for you. I'll give you a call later in the week and set something up."

We both let go, and I waved as I began my run again. Since I was already close to the precinct, I decided to continue running there, instead of wasting money on a damn cab.

As much as my legs hurt, it felt nice being able to feel the hurt coming from another spot in my body, other then my heart. Sounds king of cheesy I know, but it was comforting.

I made my way up the 1-6's steps and walked into the corridor hoping, no praying that Alex wasn't there. I was in no mood to confront her or anything. I walked through the doors and Elliot immediately shot his head up.

"Hey Liv, I was wondering why I didn't get a call this morning, how are you?" He came over and hugged me. I had to laugh.

"I'm okay El. A bruised ego and a twisted knee should be easily fixed with some ice, and a night out sometime this week with my best friend." I smiled and he laughed out loud. "I think that could easily be planned partner. Oh, I'm guessing you came by to see Cap, he's in the office, but a forewarning, he's not too happy today." I nodded and made my way to his office. I knocked on his door and heard him yell 'come in'.

"Hey Cap, what's up?" He looked up from his paperwork and instantly lit up.

"Olivia! What are you doing here, I gave you off until tomorrow?" He sat up in his seat.

"Yeah, um, about that Cap... do you think I could get an extra week off? There's a lot of things going on right now that I need some time to sort out. And until I sort them out, I don't think I'll be much of any help around here..." I shrugged.

"Liv... It's about damn time you took sometime off. If you need more than a week, let me know. You have the most personal time than anyone in this squad. Get your personal life in order before you get your ass back in here chasing perps. Oh, and I somehow overheard you and Stabler talking... Get that knee checked out if anything."

I had to laugh because I knew that these people in this precinct, were my true family. I nodded. "Thanks Cap, you'll be the first to know how everything turns out and if I do go to get my knee checked out." I turned around.

"Liv, remember what I said, give her time. I know you know the truth now, but there's more to it then you think..." I smiled weakly at him and made my way out to talk to El.

"So partner, what did the Cap say? You taking more time off because of everything?" He threw a pencil at me to get my attention.

"Yeah, I'm taking an extra week off to figure this whole mess out. I don't know what I'm going to do El, ya know?" I sat down at my desk, "This is just so crazy. Everything is just spinning out of control and I'm not sure what to do..." He got up and sat on the corner of my desk.

"Honestly Liv, if I were you, I'd go somewhere to clear my head and just get away from all of this mumbo jumbo. You've been under a lot recently. Take it easy. And get that knee looked at. It's looking a bit swollen already." I grinned. "Thanks El, I think I'll do just that. I got an idea of where I can go to clear my head... And my knee, hey, it's fine. I tweaked it a little bit but it's all good. I'm just gonna sit her for about 10 more minutes to rest, and then make my way back home." He looked at me, sighed, and turned away shaking his head.

"What?!" I laughed

"You are so damn stubborn Benson..."

We both had to laugh, "Trust me Stabler, I know..."

I began cleaning my desk and getting everything in order for myself when I get back, or my replacement for the time being. I feel bad for doing this to El, but I know he understands. He's told me countless times that I deserve to be happy and to do anything in my power to be truly happy. It's just taking some time for me to realize what truly makes me happy, and of course the one person that does, went and broke my heart. Ahh, oh well, I need to get her out of my head for a little bit.

"Well, how lucky am I to be blessed with the chance to see the truly amazing Olivia Benson? I haven't seen you in a couple of days..." Munch came in patting my back.

"Munch, you saw me 2 days ago... You make it seem as though we haven't seen each other in years" I laughed. "Well my dear, life without you here is just so painful. It's hard to go through everyday withou--" I cut him off by throwing a notepad at him "Shut it Munch" We all laughed.

"Oh, speaking of which, I talked to Casey before I came here. We ran into each other at the park, well, sh e actually caught my resting and started conversation with me..."

"How's my girl doin'?" Fin walked in overhearing the conversation.

"She's actually doing really good. She's still living in Manhattan and she has her own private practice. But she told me she is extremely selective. She looks like the same old Casey we had. We're actually getting together sometime this week to catch up and everything..." I smiled.

"Thats great Liv, I hope she knows we all miss her and everything. She was an awesome prosecutor for us." We all laughed and shared stories about our times with Casey.

That's when I heard a very familiar noise that made my neck almost snap off from turning to look at the doors. I heard her laugh. I also heard Serena talking to her. She walked through the doors and stood there, "Morning detectives..."

I got up real fast, grabbed my sweatshirt, and walked right past her without even stealing a glance at her. I waved my hand to El, and he of course understood.

"Take it easy Liv, I'll see you when you get back!" I laughed. Of course El had to make it a point that I was taking a break off of work, right in front of Alex.

It killed me, but I felt her staring at me leave...

And it made me want to run back in there.

To do what?

Slap her?

Hug her?

Kiss her?

I don't know what I would have done, but I know that if I didn't leave now, I might regret doing something...

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Alex's POV

"So that's how it all happened... Hammond basically told me if we didn't get married, Zapata and Velez would know that I was right there and they would kill me. Hammond basically forced me to get married. It felt almost like I was a mail order bride. It sucked Serena... It really did. I just wish I could have changed everything 3 years ago when I got out. I felt bad. They guy really loves me, and I feel like I'd ruin his life..." I looked down at my tea and started swirling the cup.

"But don't you get it Lex? You're ruining Olivia's because you told her you loved her. It took her years before she could even think about dating. I saw her go on countless dates, only to be sitting at the bar by herself thinking of you. You've always been a part of her Lex, let her finally be a part of you. Let her in. Break things off with Jason. I'm sure he'll understand and move on. Olivia deserves to be happy. And you are her happiness. Think about it..." I nodded.

"I know I have to change a lot Serena, I just don't know how to fix my own mistakes. It's almost impossible for me to fix things now..." I turned to my side, and saw someone who looked eerily familiar.

"Casey?!" She stopped running and turned around. "Alex? It's good to see you, how are things?" She looked amazing and I couldn't help but notice she was almost radiating. "Things could be better, but hey, I'm alive." W both laughed.

"Hey Serena, how are you?" I looked at them both and things seemed to be awkward. I felt like there was a lot of sexual tension that I needed to question Serena about when Casey left.

"I'm good Casey.. hey listen Lex, I gotta go. I need to meet up with my mother to discuss some god awful family reunion thing we're doing this summer, give me a call later. Remember Lex, take it easy with Liv, her heart is in pieces... Casey, it was good seeing you.." She put a $10 bill on the table and began walking away.

"That wasn't awkward or anything..." Casey said and laughed. She looked at me almost scared of my question.

"Let me guess, you and Serena had a 'thing' had one point... and I'm guessing by the way she pulled back, things didn't end too well...?" She looked down at her feet.

"Things were amazing with us. We had so much fun being together and we had amazing chemistry... but one day she just started to become distant. I realized that she knew things were getting serious between us so she pulled back. She hasn't returned any of my calls since I was disbarred. I miss her..." She looked really sad. She popped her head up.

"But hey, on the bright side, you're back! I caught Liv in the park earlier and she told me what's been going on... I'm not choosing sides, trust me Alex. But be honest with Olivia. She's an amazing woman and an extraordinary friend. She's fragile. She gave me complete hell after you were shot and I came in. She's missed you. She may need some space though Alex.. She took in a lot of information. I completely understand that you wanted to tell her the truth, but give her time to cool off..." I smiled and nodded at her.

"Thanks Casey..." She touched my shoulder then we said our goodbyes and left. I paid the waitress and grabbed my stuff, and started my walk towards the precinct.

I got to the precinct in a little less than 10 minutes. In ways, I was hoping Liv was there, but at the same time, I hope she wasn't because things would be awkward. I started walking up the steps when I heard my name being called.

"Lex!"

"Serena? I though you had to go...?" Now I was confused. We began walking inside

"Yeah, that was kind of an excuse... I'm sure Casey told you about us?" She tried to kind of hide behind herself and all we both could do was laugh.

"That's something that I would love to start again, but we were getting serious and serious and I don't get along too well."

"Oh Serena.." I laughed as I stepped through the doors.

My eyed immediately stopped at her. She was wearing a navy blue t shirt with a gray sweatshirt. She had black basketball shorts on, and you could tell she was wearing spandex underneath them. She was gorgeous, even looking like she just ran 20 miles.

"Morning detectives..."

As I said that, Olivia got up from her seat real fast, grabbed her sweatshirt, and walked past me without regarding me at all.

I deserved that. I turned around to look at her and saw her waving her hand to Elliot.

"Take it easy Liv, I'll see you when you get back!"

When she gets back?! What is Elliot talking about?

"When she gets back? Where is she going...?" I saw the look in his eyes and I immediately regret asking that.

"She took some time off due to complications in her personal life. Back off Alex. You've done enough to her. Let her be now. She has to clear her head, and she is going to do just that. I suggest you don't try to contact her..." He looked like he was about to attack me, even though his words stung enough.

I nodded, "Well I just came by to see how everyone is doing. I'm going to go head to my office now to grab some files. Serena, you coming?" I looked at her, she was talking to Fin.

"Coming Alex!" I started to walk away and she walked up to me.

"You okay Lex?" I looked at her, with tears in my eyes.

"I really screwed up, didn't I...?" Without waiting for an answer, I walked away.


	5. Easier To Run

Im sorry it took me awhile to write this. My brain hasn't been functioning correctly ever since I got this job. And plus, usually when I write chapters, I have certain songs in mind. Like if you go back and read a chapter, and look up the title of it, and search for that song, the lyrics go hand in hand with the chapter.

It took me awhile to find the perfect song for this chapter. But I found one tonight. So here ya go!

I need help though. I need to figure out what oath to go from this chapter on. help!

I also want to thank everyone for reviewing! When ig et the email alert it really brightens my day up!

also, tb, i enjoyed knowing that someone got all the kelly clarkson songs haha

* * *

It's easier to run. That statement is what fills my mind this exact moment. There are no other thoughts in my head except for the fact that it's so much easier to run.

I barely sleep anymore.

I barely eat.

My thoughts are consumed by my heartache and pain.

After that event happened in the precinct 4 days ago, I've been hidden inside Elliot's family cabin in Northern New Jersey. It's a cozy little cabin with 2 small bedrooms, a fireplace, and an extremely nice pool.

Secluded.

Just the way I want it to be. I seriously just need to get my thoughts together before I can go back to work and have victims rely solely on you. I am just so torn up right now, and I just can't deal with anything.

Anyway, you wonder what I've been doing for 4 days?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I turned my phone off, and it hasn't been on since. I'm almost positive I have a ton of voicemails. I told myself I wouldn't turn my phone on this whole week, but I have to. What if something happened while I was gone. What if Alex.... Wait a minute. I should not be worrying about Alex. She has a husband who can worry about her and take care of her. I have no right to worry about her, not even as a friend.

I walk over to the table in the kitchen and hit the power button on my phone. The happy and cheery opening music plays and it makes me smirk. It's sad how such a stupid song, that only plays when I turn my phone on, can make me smile.

7 new voicemails.

Damn.

I sighed, "Here goes nothing..."

First message. "_Hey Liv, it's Elliot. I was just making sure you got in safely. I'm guessing you have your __phone turned of already so I'll let you go. Whenever you decide to turn your phone back on, gimme a call and let me know how you're doing... Oh, the kids and Kathy say hi!"_

I chuckled. If he wasn't married, and I wasn't gay, he'd be the perfect man for me.

Second message. "_Olivia. Where the hell have you run off to? Nobody ignores Serena Southerlyn and gets away with it. You had me worried sick when I got to your apartment and you weren't there. Lucky for me though that your partner talks before he thinks and he let me know where you were. Please Liv, if you need company, do call me. I hope you're doing okay..."_

Third message. "_... Hi Liv... I know I'm the last person you want to speak to right now, let alone associate with, but please hear me out. I know that you've gone somewhere to hide out for awhile, but I need to see you. Please... I need to explain everything... I need you to believe me Liv... Please just give me one more chance..."_

It broke my heart. I heard the pain and the tears in her voice. But I couldn't give in. I honestly couldn't. She has no idea how I feel, and she won't until I'M ready.

Fourth message. "_Olivia, it's Don. I'm worried about you. Elliot is worried about you... Alex is worried about you. Everyone is worried. I know it's only been 2 days since you left, but that's two days of not hearing your voice or knowing that you're okay. Call someone soon. Please."_

I swear that man is like a father to me. I have to remember to call him later.

Fifth message. "_Hello Olivia. It's been a long time since we've talked. I miss you. I know things ended very rough between us, but you have to understand that I had to choose my career. You know that my life was my career, and that I worked so hard. But I do love you dearest Olivia. I've never stopped.... I still think about you all of the time and I want to---"_

I hit delete before it could finish. You wonder who that was.... It was none other then Abbie Carmichael. We were together for a good 6 months until she decided that her career was far more important than me. Granted, we dated before Alex even came into the picture and I slept with her once or twice when I was Alex's friend... but nothing more... It's been so long...

Sixth message. "_Oh my god Liv, you will not believe who just showed up and is demanding to see you. Abbie Carmichael. I don't know what you did Liv, but she seems pissed off. She said that she went to your apartment and they you were ignoring her phone calls... Oh man Liv, straighten her out some. She's acting like you're her property... Call me!"_

Oh dear god. The last thing I need is more drama in my life. I'll fix everything later...

One more message! Woo hoo!

Last message. "_Liv, I'm sorry.. I'm so so sorry... Oh god I can't do this anymore..."_

Why did Alex leave such a cryptic message? Oh man...

Before I could get up, I heard a knock at the door. I got up and made sure I was decent, grabbed a brush and straightened out my hair a bit, and walked towards the door.

I opened it and it was none other then Serena.

"Serena, what are you doing here? And what's so important that you couldn't call?" I looked at her and she just walked past me and sat on the couch.

"Well Liv, for one, you haven't been answering your phone, and two, we have a major problem..." I looked at her and sat down. "What happened...?"

Serena looked down at her feet and bit her bottom lip. "Well, you see, umm... Abbie kind of broadcasted to the whole squad about your sex life and everything you two went through..."

I sighed. "And let me guess, Alex was right there...." She nodded. I put my head in my hands and just let my body fall back from my sitting position.

"Serena... Is she okay...?" She looked up at me, shocked.

"Wait what? You're worried about her even with what she's done to you...?" I tore my eyes away from her and nodded.

"Of course. I just hoped that when all of this mess gets settled, we'd have a future together. And I know that Alex finding out about Abbie, will sting like a bitch..." She stood up and walked over to the table and grabbed my phone.

"Call her Liv. She wants to explain everything to you. There were even things I didn't know that she told me.." She threw the phone into my lap. "Please Liv. You both deserve to be happy. Oh, and get rid of Abbie. She's a royal pain in the ass."

We both laughed and she walked out of the cabin and drove away. I walked out onto the front porch and sat down on one of the old wooden chairs. I picked up my phone and hit the numbers of the woman who would always have my heart.

It rang. "Cabot"

"Alex?"

Quiet.

"Liv, are you okay?" She sounded worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine.. Listen, can you come meet me at the cabin where I'm staying. I'm sure Elliot will give you the directions... I think we need to talk..." I sighed.

"Are you sure...?"

"Yeah, it'll take you about an hour to get here, don't rush though. I'll see you tonight..."

"Okay, bye Liv..."

I hung up the phone and walked back into the house. I put my phone on the table and walked into the bathroom to shower.

What am I getting myself into? This is going to turn out to be so bad, and I hope things don't get even worse for us...

After I get out of my shower, it's been about 45 minutes, and I hear another knock at the door. Curious, considering she must've flown here, I open the door.

I'm welcomed with Abbie Carmichael lunging at me and pulling me into a hug.

"Oh my god Liv, you look amazing!!" She pulled away. I looked at her, and shrugged. I looked like crap. I had bags under my eyes from not sleeping, I had a pair of sweatpants and a baggy tshirt on, and I had zero make up on. She must be on drugs.

I walked over to my couch without even acknowledging her. She followed.

"What are you doing here..." I could tell she sense the hostility in my voice because she winced.

"I wanted to see you again. I heard about all the nonsense you're going through. Cabot could never be woman enough for you. She's too weak for such a strong woman like you.. You should be with me Liv. I know I screwed up but you never gave me a second chance!"

I Stood up abruptly. "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! I don't care what you want from me Abbie. We're done. COMPLETELY done. I want nothing to do with you and you're self absorbent ass. You broke my heart once, and that was is. Once it's broken, you lost your second chance. I saw her glance out the window, but I didn't care. I figured it was nothing.

She suddenly got up and pushed me onto the wall closest to the door and kissed me rough. I stood there for a second not being able to react, and in that second, I realized there was an audience.

Alex.

Abbie, that bitch did this on purpose. I pushed Abbie off of me, "Get the hell out of this cabin, out of my life, and out of New York. I want nothing to do with you. You hear me?? You mean absolutely nothing to me..." I didn't care how much I hurt her., she deserved it.

I ran out of the cabin towards Alex's car.

"Alex!! WAIT!"

I stood in front of her car and held on.

"Alex, please listen to me, please. I didn't know she was coming over. I want nothing to do with her. Please turn the car off and come in the cabin with me, please..." I pleaded her to just come back inside with me.

She looked up from inside her car, turned off the ignition, and walked out. I grabbed her hand and she just held onto it tighter. We walked inside of the cabin, and of course, guess who is still sitting there on the couch.

"Abbie, I said leave. That means get the hell out of this cabin and my life. Leave." She stood up and walked up to Alex.

She looked her up and down. "You've got NOTHING compared to me. She'll leave you and come looking for me. I guarantee it..." She laughed.

Alex let go of my hand, grabbed Abbie's shoulder, and turned her around. "Honey, it's clear that I'm nothing compared to you. Because if I was, I'd be getting kicked out as well. But hey, looks like I'm on the right side of the fence considering that I'm the one who's staying..." She looked at Abbie, and did something I never though Alex Cabot would ever do.

She punch her square in the nose.

"You bitch!" Abbie lunged at Alex, but before she could get to her, I already had her on the ground cuffed.

"I suggest you let it go Abbie if you know what's best for you... Leave now, or things will get ugly. We don't want Alex giving you another black eye..." I laughed.

Abbie got up, brushed herself up, and stormed out of the cabin. I just stood there, zoned out for a couple of minutes until I hear Alex cough. I turned around and saw her close to tears. I looked at her.

She smiled nervously, "Can I get some ice for my hand by any chance? That kinda hurt..." She smiled. I couldn't help but chuckle at her shyness. "Absolutely..."

As I walked by her, I felt her grab my arm. I turned to look at her and I immediately felt two arms go around my neck. I felt tears on my neck, and I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her waist and hold her tight.

"I'm so sorry Liv.. I wish I was honest with you before any of this happened..." I pulled her head off of my shoulder. I placed my finger on her lips. "Shh Alex, go sit down on the couch as I get you some ice for your hand.. just relax..."

I walked past her and heard her walk towards the couch and sit down.

What have I gotten myself into? The moment she wrapped her arms around my neck, all of the amazing memories of us came rushing back, and I couldn't help but miss it. I can't keep running from the one thing, or person, that I've loved for such a long time

Maybe it's not easier to run, ya know?

Maybe I need to run to her, and fix everything.

We'll see how everything goes...


	6. If You're Not The One

Thank you everyone for reviewing once again!

I love the reviews and they make me so so happy.

This chapter was done quickly because I had a dream, and it got me in the mood to write this. I know people want Liv to find a girlfriend to make Alex jealous and everything, but right now, I'm going a different path. But don't worry, things won't be so peachy for them always, so keep your eyes open for when I do make things bumpy.

* * *

After I got Alex the ice for her hand, I met her on the couch, but I made sure I wasn't sitting too close to her so I wouldn't lose my self control.

"Liv, please let me explain everything. Let me explain why I never told you the truth and why I acted like nothing was different."

I laughed bitterly. "Ya know Alex, as much as I want an explanation, there's a lot I need to get off my chest myself... So I'm going to take the time right now and let you know." I got myself more comfortable, and held my hands tightly. I didn't give her any time to respond.

"I don't think I can honestly ever forgive you for leading me on like that. Alex, you told me that you loved me. Plain and simple, you went from making my heart burst with so much love, to basically climbing up Mount Everest and just throwing my heart off the top. You went from one extreme to the other, and then you just left. When Serena showed me what was going on, I vowed to myself that I would never be caught dead with you, let alone be your lover. Alex, I love you. Plain and simple. But you don't deserve my love, and I have to convince my heart that I can't love you. Did you know for the first time in months, when I saw Abbie, I thought of how much luckier I was now that I was with you. But then I had to stop myself. I'm not with you. At this point, I'm not sure if I ever will be with you..."

I put my face in my hands.

"Liv, you have to understand something though! My marriage was just--" I put my hand up.

"I don't want to hear it Alex. I'm sure you'll throw out all sorts of excuses to me. But I don't care. I don't care to know if he's gay, if he was on the verge of dying, or that he was always a close family friend and that you were doing a favor. I just simply don't care. I can't care if I'm trying to get you out of my heart. I can't do this Alex. I can't bear to see you happy, kissing someone else, let alone a man. I don't wanna hear any bullshit excuses because if you truly did love me, you would've been honest with me. I don't wanna run away but I can't take this emotional abuse. I can't bear to hear you say those words to me, and then I see you happy kissing someone else. I can't. I'm sorry Alex, but I just can't..."

At this point, I was pissed off beyond belief. I got up and started pacing in the room.

"You're unbelievable Liv, do you know that? Everyone says I'm a bitch, but hey, I guess they've never met this side of their beloved Detective Olivia Benson. You know, I thought you were truly the one for me, but now that I see that you could care less with what hell I went through, I want nothing to do with you..."

She wanted to play this game. Okay, I throw her a curveball right back.

"I'm sure what hell you went through Alex. You were so happy being married and everything. Yeah, you went through some hell alright. Here I was crying myself to sleeping every fucking night and that clearly doesn't matter to you. Like I said before at the restaurant, go to hell." I laughed.

She got up, grabbed her purse, and stormed out of the cabin without even looking back. I watched her get into her car, and I saw something I would've never thought I'd see... For once, she wasn't hitting her steering wheel or having a complete fit... She had a smile on her face like she was planning on something. Whatever it was, it didn't look good.

* * *

Serena's POV

I'm sitting here in my 'temporary" office down the street from my apartment, waiting patiently for either Alex or Olivia to call me. I hope those two really work things out, but at the same time, I don't. Ever since Alex came back, and Olivia found out about everything, I've been the one who was there for Liv, and ultimately, I think I started to gain some unprofessional and not just as friends feelings for Liv.

I don't know, but all I know is, is that I can't keep Olivia out of my mind.

Suddenly, my phone starts ringing and I look at it and it's Olivia. _Sigh_.

"Hey Liv, what's up?"

"_Things didn't go so well with Alex and me... things actually went completely to shit..._" I couldn't help but smile.

"What the hell happened then? I thought you guys were gonna talk things over and work things out?"

"_I thought so too, but my temper caught up with me, and I just blasted her Serena. I feel like such an ass because God knows I love the woman, but I can't just let go of everything that's happened. I don't want to be with anyone but her, but I can't be with her while she has a whole separate life..."_ I heard what sounded like a whimper come from her, and I felt bad.

"I'll talk to her Liv... I'm sure she's under just as much stress as you and I think I know what could help... I'll see what I can do. I gotta go though, I have another call. I'll talk to you in a bit. Bye."

"_Thanks.. cya.._"

We hung up and I instantly dial Alex's number.

"_Cabot."_

"Alex, come meet me in my office, please. We need to talk.." I heard her sigh.

"_I'll be right there..."_

She hung up, and I began to get myself ready for some type of fight.

* * *

Alex's POV.

Here I am driving. I have tears freely flowing down my face, and I swear if one more person at this damn red light stares right into my car at me, I will run over them.

I wish Liv would just believe me. She didn't give me any chance to explains, and I know where shes coming from, but at the same time, I wish she would just listen.

I got to Serena's makeshift office a lot quicker then I thought. I parked in the lot, and made my way into her office to get my ass ripped apart.

I knocked on the door.

"Alex, you got her quicker then I thought. Come in, have a seat." She smiled at me, and from that moment, I knew the mood would switch.

"So, Liv called me and let me in on everything that happened. You need to get through to her Alex and just stop her from ranting and raving. But Alex, I have to be honest, this is all your fault that this is happening."

I looked at her. "Yeah I know that Serena, I;m not stupid. I was just hoping that she would understand and maybe stop for a second and listen to what I have to say."

"At this point Al, I don't think she cares. You know what you did, and you know you have to fix it in time. This was your dumbass fault and I completely side with Liv. You were a full blown jerk and yea..."

"Serena... you know that's not fair! I know I was a complete bitch by not being honest with her, but come on..." I looked at her, and started to gather my things, got up, and began walking away.

"That's right Cabot... walk away from the truth, that's what you clearly do best. Liv was being honest with you, and you stormed out." I heard the venom in her voice. I turned abruptly, and got in her face.

"You have no idea what I've been through, nor do you have any right to judge me about it." I slammed my hands down on her desk, and started to walk out.

"Oh and by the way Serena, I know you're in love with her. I'm not stupid. I know you better then you think..." With that, I slammed her door shut and ran out the building. Once I got outside I hid between two of the buildings pillars and just cried into my hands. I heard footsteps behind me, so I turned around.

"Liv..." I slightly smiled and motioned with my hands for her to come closer. She hesitated but walked towards me. I immediately wrapped my arms around her waist and held onto her tightly.

"Oh god Liv..." I broke down in front of her, mainly on her shoulder though. I realized that she was just standing there.

"What happened Alex?" As she spoke I lifted my head up in disbelief. "Serena... she... I.. oh god..." Finally I felt her pull me close and I clung to her. "I accused her of being in love with you..." She laughed.

"Al, give Serena some time.... She's handling things differently. I think that she feels somewhat protective of me since everything happened. But don't worry. I noticed that maybe she is started to have feelings towards me. I can understand why too, but she's gotta understand that I know what I'm doing. I know what I want, and I know what it'll take me to be happy again..." She trailed off. I started to cry again.

"Am I what you want Liv?" She closed her eyes. Did I read what she was saying wrong? Did I make a huge mistake by asking this? Did I just potentially ruin the best thing for me?

"I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want Serena. I know that worries you now. I'm sure you've thought about it tons of times since everything began. You probably thought I'd run off with your best friend and never talk to you again. Trust me, I've though about never talking to you again, but the Serena part is a no go. She's my friend Alex, that's it..." She pulled my face up with her hands. "Please believe that Al, please. No matter what is going on, I will honestly love you forever. You are perfect for me.. I just need to get over everything that's happened. I just need time..." I closed my eyes and felt her kiss my forehead.

"Can we go back to your apartment and just talk then Liv? I miss talking to you. I hate that all we've been doing is yelling at each other..." She looked around and nodded. She grabbed my hand, and pulled me to my car.

"Wait Liv, how did you know where I'd be?" I stopped and looked at her.

"I knew that when Serena told me that she'd talk to you and fix everything, things would go wrong. I had a feeling that Serena would go after you just to get me. I got out of the cab only to see you storm out of the building and stop. I knew something definitely went wrong, so I couldn't help but be drawn to you to see you smile. I know I'm a real asshole for what I said to you, but I hope you'll forgive me for that, and let me hear your side of everything..."

She shrugged and I couldn't help but smile. "I'd be glad to tell you everything... but can you drive? I'm feeling kind of dizzy with all this crying..."

We both laughed. Since she was already walking to the passenger side before I asked, we had to meet in the middle as we switched spots. When we crossed paths, she wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. I couldn't help but hug her back.

"Know that no matter what comes of this, we will be together one day... I truly believe that..." I kissed the side of her neck before pulling away to the other side of the car. She got into the driver's side and started driving.

Halfway back to her apartment I place my hand on her leg and whispered,

.

.

.

"I know..."


	7. Ready

I'm firing chapters out like crazzzzzzy

So, i know my last chapter was rushed. A lot of things happening very quickly. But do not fret, I did that on purpose because things are going to get a lot slower from here on out.

I have a few different ideas of where i'm going with this. so bear with me. it will be a bumpy ride =)

* * *

"That was three months ago El, and you know what sucks the most, after that night where Serena ripped Alex a new one, we've never been this same."

"How so Liv? I mean you guys act like nothing ever happened with each other. Alex comes in here and you guys strike up conversation, go out for drinks, do that god awful gossip, and you guys seem like you're generally getting better..." Elliot shrugged.

I laughed. "We are friends El. We may not be lovers anymore, but a lot happened... that night wasn't a fun one. It started out nice, but then it flipped quickly...

_-----_

"_Why don't you believe me Olivia?! Jay and I are nothing like that! He is my damn best friend..."_

"_And your husband Alex! Don't forget about that tid bit! For a lawyer, you tend to forget the important facts a lot..."_

"_That was uncalled for Liv, and you know it!"_

"_You know what's uncalled for Alex? Coming back into my life, being clingy, and acting like you never got married and you never lied to me... that's what's uncalled for! I'm so sure that when you guys kiss it's so amazing. Or the first time he took you to bed was amazing. But wait, I forgot, he's gay..."_

"_Olivia Benson, I swear to you that Jason is the gayest human being I have ever met. Yes, we got married. But both of us were in Witness Protection, and Hammond thought it was the best thing for us. We had to play the part of a married couple. We had to hold hands, kiss, be touchy, and yes, we did have sex. Once, maybe twice, but that was it. Neither of us could do it more then that... It was way too awkward..."_

"_And how exactly do I know that you're telling me the god honest truth Alex? So far since you've been back, you've been everything BUT honest with me. Do you understand where I'm coming from Alex?"_

--------

"Sometimes she makes me feel so stupid El, it's ridiculous. Like she honestly expected me to believe her, just like that.." I repositioned myself in my seat, and turned it to look at him better.

"Come on Liv, cut her some slack, you know that she was through a lot..." I laughed.

"I've cut her tons of slack! Okay, how bout this. How would you feel if Kathy was sent away for years, only to come back and not contact anyone for 3 years. I know it's different considering you two are married, but Alex and I, we were so damn close... we were such amazing friends and we were so close to something more, and then BAM!" I clapped to emphasize my point, "just like that she's gone..."

"Yeah, but did you begin to believe her about everything with Jason? It sounds legit and I don't know, shouldn't you be happy that someone kept her safe?"

"Trust me, I am so happy that she had someone to keep her safe, but to go that far into something, and then come home, and not tell me? It's a big shot to my ego, let alone my heart El... I still just wish things were so different..."

I threw my pencil at him, and he laughed. "Well, wait a sec Liv, didn't you get a phone call from Agent Hammond about a month ago? What the hell was that all about?"

--------

"_Benson"_

"_Hello Detective Benson, it's Agent Hammond"_

"_Ahh, what can I do for you today Agent Hammond?"_

"_Well, it's come to my attention by Alexandra that you are struggling with what went down while she was in Witness Protection..."_

"_Yes, I would like to hear it from you, if you could be so kind to do that for me"_

"_Olivia, you know that Alex went through a lot. About 3 or 4 years into her stay in Witness Protection, a man by the name of Jason Farris entered and myself and my partner, thought it would be best if we introduced them, and had them living a life together. At first, Alex was completely against it because she felt she had to be loyal to you, but with a little bribery and whatnot, we got her to cooperate."_

"_Go on..."_

"_Let me be blunt with you Olivia, Jason is the queen of the gay. Honest to God. He was put into Witness Protection because of how he was involved with a strain of gay murders. Jason watched one of the murders happen, reported it, and the guys now had a new target, Jason. The men who turned out to kill all the gay men, also turned out to be a huge drug cartel, aka, part of Cesar Velez. See, Velez had a major part in that because I think he knew about what you and Alex shared... The entire time Alex was IN Witness Protection, she was being hunted down by Velez... The smartest thing for us to do was to match those two up. I know it doesn't make sense, but ultimately, it saved their lives..._

"_So Alex was telling me the truth..."_

"_Yes Detective, she was. So please do me a favor, cut her some slack. I know it's a lot to take in, but please just move on. I heard about what she did, and yes, I'm sure that it hurts, but look, she;s being honest with you now and that's all you ever wanted."_

"_I know I know... I just still can't believe all that shit happened. I can't help but be in disbelief Hammond, I just can't help it."_

"_I understand, but when Alex was gone, she asked about you. Every single god damn day. Like I said before, it's a lot to take in, but I'm gonna be blunt Detective, it's time to get over it. She's a live and well, and shes trying her hardest to get back into your life."_

"_Alright... I'll try... Thank you for calling me, it helped clear a lot of stuff up."_

"_Anytime Detective, but one more favor."_

"_What's up?"_

"_Please don't let me get anymore calls at 3am from a hysterical Alex. That woman sure can put up a guilt trip. More so now then when I first met the hot head."_

_I laughed. "Alright I promise you that. Bye."_

_---------------_

"So the sleaze Hammond called just to clear everything up? Damn girl, Alex must have had some effect on him." He laughed and threw my pencil back at me.

"Yeah well, I haven't told Alex that we talked, but I'm sure she knows. My attitude has been more pleasant around her since then. But honestly El, I'm not even gonna make a move until things are over between her and Jason. Hurts too much. " I said matter of fact as I shrugged.

"I understand Liv, I'd be hurt to--"

"Benson, Stabler, in my office. NOW!" Cragen yelled from his office. We both looked at each other and shrugged. "Wonder what that's about..." We both walked into his office and I sat down, while Elliot stood in his normal spot in the corner.

"What's up Cap?" I asked.

"This morning, Alex was involved in a minor car accident. She's okay though. She managed to get only a concussion and a broken wrist. I guarantee you that she is okay, but she was hoping that you guys would help her out tonight at her apartment. You don't have to I was just letting you know what she requested..." I look at Elliot, worry evident in my face.

"Cap, I actually can't tonight. Dickie has a soccer game and Kathy pleaded with me to go..." He looked at me and mouthed a sorry.

"That's fine Elliot, you have other plans, I'm sure she'll understand. Liv, are you available to go over and help her tonight?" I closed my eyes and rolled my neck.

"You know I have nothing to do tonight Cap. I never have anything to do. I'll give her a call and let her know I'll be over there later tonight..." I sighed.

"Actually Liv, I want you to go over there as soon as possible. She needs your help..."

"Come on Cap! I have paperwork and DD-5's to do!"

"No worries, Elliot and I will finish them... Oh, before you leave, come back here, I wanna talk to you."

I nodded. "Yes sir."

We both walked out of his office and I slumped back into my chair and began organizing my desk. "Alright El, the DD-5's are in the top left corner of my desk, and all the other nonsense is scattered all over. I'm sorry El. I would much rather be here so you don't have to do it all..." He looked at me and laughed.

"Just go enjoy your night Liv, no worries. I owe you anyway." I waved him off.

I knocked on Cragen's door and walked in.

"You said you needed to talk to me?" He waved for me to come in and sit down.

"Relax Olivia, have things gotten any better between you and Alex?" I shook my head in disbelief, "Wait, what?"

"You and Alex, are things okay?" I couldn't believe he was asking me this.

"Um, yeah. I guess as good as we're gonna get. I mean it could get better, but I doubt it will anytime soon..." I shrugged it off.

"Here's your chance Liv. Talk to her, not yell and fight with her. Be civil with each other please? Go. Get yourself over there."

I nodded. "Yeah, sure thing..." I walked out of his office in a daze and began walking out of the building.

_What the hell just happened?!_

I waved down a cab and gave him the directions to Alex's apartment. About 20 mintues later, the cab reached it's destination, I paid the guy, and got out. I stood on the sidewalk, looking up for a good five minutes.

"Here goes nothing..."

I walked up to the doors, and walked in.

"Ah, Detective Benson, I've been informed that Ms. Cabot was expecting you and your partner tonight. Change of plans I'm guessing? Just you tonight?"

"Yes Gary, just me tonight. My partner had previous plans so he couldn't make it." I smiled at him.

"Well, I won't keep you any longer, I'll buzz you through to Ms. Cabot's room. Have a wonderful night!" I waved and smiled. "You too Gary!"

I hopped into the elevator and made my way up to Alex's apartment. I walked out and made my way to her front door. I turned my back to her door so that I could think.

_Should I do this? Is this too personal for us to go through? Should I just leave and tell her something came up? I couldn't tell her that we caught a perp because that means she would be getting the paperwork about it, so damnit, what to do. I could knock on her door and just tell her I can only stay for a half hour because I have a hot date? No that wouldn't work. I don't get dates. Damnit. I don't know what to do._

"Are you going to come in Liv, or are you just gonna let your thoughts have fun in the hall?" I heard her laugh so I snapped around. A blush began covering my cheeks and I awkwardly smiled.

"Yeah, sorry, I'll come in..."

"No Elliot?" She began looking around the halls.

"Nah, Dickie had a soccer game and Kathy basically forced him to go, so it's just me tonight."

She smiled. "Oh that's good. Cool. Have a seat, do you want anything to drink?" I walked in front of her.

"Alex, I'm here to take care of you. From the nice black eye you've got, and the fact that your arm is in a cast and a sling, it seems as though I'll be the one getting drinks and whatnot. Relax. I'm not leaving anytime soon."

_Shit. God damnit. Why the hell did I just say that! I'm screwed now._

I shook the thoughts out of my head and walked into her kitchen. "What would you like Alex?" She was lying down on the couch with her arm propped up on a bunch of pillows.

"Can you just grab me some of that iced tea in the pitcher? You can actually just bring the pitcher out here with 2 cups and I'll be set for the night, drink wise."

"Yeah sure thing. Anything else you need out there?" I walked over to her and placed the pitcher on the table along with 2 cups on 2 coasters. "Actually, there should be a big bag of pretzels and popcorn out there, can you bring me the bags?" I nodded.

I walked into the corner of the kitchen and placed my hands on the edge of the counter.

_What the hell is going on with me? This woman does something to me, and I can;t let it show. Just take a deep breath Liv and you'll be good._

"You alright out there Liv?" I snapped out of my daze.

"Yeah, sorry. Just zoned out for a few. I'm coming though." I put the bags on the table and I noticed she lifted her legs. "Sit." I sit down where her legs once were and get comfortable. Once I'm comfortable, Alex placed her legs back down on my lap.

"So, what the hell happened Alex?"

She laughed. "Well I was driving to the office today to get everything prepared for trial this Friday, and I was coming across an intersection and the next thing I know, I'm on a stretcher in the hospital. Supposedly, some idiot side swiped me and then hit a pole. And I honestly do not know how I managed to get a black eye." We both laughed.

"So, you're okay though? Nothing else was hurt, other then your wrist?"

"My back is a little stiff, but other then that, I'm fine. I mean, I've got a killer headache but I guess thats what happens when you get a concussion."

I nodded. I began tracing the outlines of the the blanket she had over her legs, and of course, I managed to zone out again.

"Liv, I honestly didn't expect you to come. I mean, I knew you'd come with Elliot because he would start up conversation, but I didn't think you'd come alone...." She looked directly at me.

I kept up with tracing the patterns, "I uh, I actually wasn't going to come at first, but I figured you'd need help and I figured you'd rather it be me then anyone else..." I shrugged. I noticed her eyes were getting heavy.

"Liv, can we just, talk? Like no yelling or fighting? I know we've tried, but maybe today we could do that. Just talk about everything and be civil with each other?" She was fighting hard to keep her eyes open. I grabbed the TV remotes and placed them next to me.

"In good time Alex, just do me a favor..?"

"Yeah?"

"Sleep for now, you look exhausted. It might help your head also. We'll talk when you wake up, I promise. Okay?" She nodded

"Liv?"

"Yeah, whats up?"

"Will you still be here when I wake up? You're not gonna leave, right?"

I thought for a second. "I promise I won't leave... now get some sleep Alex."

She smiled.

_I'm ready to talk now._


End file.
